


don't break, don't break, don't break

by lightwoody



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), Shadowhunters (TV) RPF, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Heartbreak, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Sad Alec Lightwood, Sad Magnus Bane, all i have been able to think about for the last 24 hours is alec not kissing magnus back, it didn't work and it hurts even more now so that's GREAT, no beta we die like men, so I wrote this to cope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 09:18:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18495955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightwoody/pseuds/lightwoody
Summary: he wanted to allow himself this. he wanted to remember what it was like to be kissed by magnus bane.





	don't break, don't break, don't break

Alec, turned to leave, his heart shattering inside his chest, permanent shards creating wounds that would never heal.

_“Days ago, I didn’t know that the spark in you, the one I fell in love with, was out for good.”_

Those words had been almost unbearable to say, and he couldn’t imagine how unbearable they must have been for Magnus to hear. He hadn’t known what else to say, he didn’t know what else to do, except that he had to make it _hurt_. He had to make it _believable_.

A hand caught his sleeve and Alec stopped, feeling that touch throughout his entire body. _Magnus_. Deja vu washed over Alec as he remembered the day Valentine uses the soul sword to kill dozens of Downworlders. How Alec had run down the steps of the Institute, unable to breathe, unable to think, his vision beginning to blur with grief. And then Magnus had caught at his sleeve, just as he was doing now. But instead of relief, all Alec felt now was pain.

Alec knew he should rip his arm away, get out of the shop as fast as he could before his facade broke. He should go and never look back. Never think about Magnus’ nails digging into his skin in desperation. Never think about the disbelief on his face as Alec hurled words of cruelty at him like shards of broken glass. But Alec was a weak, weak man as he turned back to face Magnus.

“No, no, no, p-please, I’ve lost everything,” Magnus pleaded, grabbing Alec’s face between his hands. He was shaking. Guilt ripped through Alec.

Alec blinked rapidly, so many contrasting emotions threatening to break the dam of self control he had tried so hard to maintain. His synapses were firing rapidly, Magnus’ touch raising the hair on his arms and sending chills through his entire body. Alec closed his eyes, unable to look at Magnus any longer. When he remembered Magnus, he wanted to remember his smile, his laugh, his doe-eyes looking at Alec with love and adoration. He never wanted to remember the way Magnus looked at him now, as he begged Alec to stay, thinking Alec had fallen out of love with him. As if that was a choice that Alec had.

The two sides of Alec’s brain were at war with each other. The logical side of his brain was screaming at him, yelling at him to leave before it was too late, before he crumbled under Magnus’ touch and told him everything, about Asmodeus, the deal, the magic, the lies, the _love_. The other side of his brain, however, was louder. He heard it in the roar of his blood rushing in his ears, felt it in the way his heart was beating so wildly that he was sure it would break through his chest and be laid bare for Magnus to see. This side of his brain whispered to him his doubts, his insecurities, his desires: _this will be the last time he touches you. The last time you’ll feel his warm hands caressing your cheeks, his thumbs running over your skin. Remember this, savor it, it will never happen again._

“I’ve lost m-my home, my job, my powers. I can’t lose you _too_ , Al-Alec.” Magnus’ voice caught and broke on Alec’s name, and Alec almost choked with the effort of not crushing Magnus against him. A muscle in Magnus’ cheek jumped, and Alec recognized it as Magnus holding back his tears. Alec was visibly shaking as he clenched his hands into fists at his sides while they begged to touch Magnus back. To run up his arms and thread through his hair, dance fingertips along the soft skin of his temple, his cheeks, his lips.

Magnus leaned forward, breathing harshly, erratically. He clutched the back of Alec’s head in his hands, his grip slipping as his hands shook.

Alec squeezed his eyes shut as he felt Magnus’ breath fan across his chin, Magnus’ lips ghosting over his own. A lump formed in Alec’s throat and he couldn’t fucking _breathe_. He knew what it would feel like to surge forward and catch Magnus’ lips, pulling at his shoulders, his arms, his hips, desperate to be closer, closer, closer.

_Don’t break, don’t break, don’t break._

Magnus suddenly, in an anguished haste, kissed Alec, _hard_. It was like he wanted Alec to _feel_ it. Wanted him to feel it in his bones, in his blood, in the very fabric of his being.

Alec felt it. It was like glass shattering into colored fragments behind his eyelids, a firework show he never asked for. Every place that he could feel Magnus’ skin against his own felt as if it were quite literally on fire. One last blaze of glory.

Magnus pulled Alec to him even more, though it was impossible to be any closer than they already were. His movements were begging: _kiss me back, kiss me back._

_If you kiss him back, it’s over. Any ounce of self control you have left will dissolve. Don’t. Break._

The sheer force of not kissing Magnus back hurt more than every blow he’d taken in training, every drop of ichor sizzling into his skin, every demon bite sending venom coursing through his veins. Nothing compared to raw agony Alec felt as he denied Magnus and himself this last thing. Before Magnus, he never knew it was possible to want something, to want _someone_ this much.

Alec did not push him away, though, as he knew he would not be able to bare it. If not for the rejection he knew he would see on Magnus’ face, then for himself. He wanted to allow himself this. He wanted to remember what it was like to be kissed by Magnus Bane.

Magnus pulled away. Before Alec could thank or curse any celestial being for ending it too soon or not soon enough, Magnus kissed him again. And again.

These kisses were softer than the first had been, and somehow, if it were even possible, Alec thought that this was worse. Alec’s mind became hazy and he felt himself drowning in the kiss, his senses completely overwhelmed by everything _Magnus_. He smelled Magnus’ shampoo, the kind he brewed himself, he felt the softness of Magnus’ skin and the rough material of his jacket, heard the sound of Magnus’ breath, tasted Magnus’ mouth against his own. Alec became dizzy with sensation. He felt his power of will slipping like sand through his fingers as he leaned in, beginning to kiss Magnus back just as softly as he kissed him.

_Don’t break, don’t break, don’t break._

Magnus pulled back, milliseconds before Alec would have caved, fallen to his knees, begged Magnus to forgive him for his cruelty. Alec thought that maybe there was a universe somewhere, parallel to their own, where that was the outcome. He was bitter it was not theirs.

Magnus was shaking even more now. “Stay with me, okay?” Magnus whispered, barely audible through his harsh breaths. The pain of his words were not unlike the time Alec’s heart was pierced with his own arrow. “C’mon, stay with me.”

Alec’s eyes were still shut and his throat began to close. He was certain he would never feel misery such as this ever again. Knowing the torment he had inflicted upon Magnus was worse than any tangible injury or wound he could ever endure.

Alec thought about what would happen if he told Magnus why he was doing this. Maybe he would fight back, but Alec could convince him. He could convince him to play along, just long enough to get his magic back, to be happy again. They could be together, Asmodeus would never have to kn-

_Don’t break, don’t break, don’t break._

Alec jerked back, barely. He was almost there, he had to finish this. He had to end this before it was too late. Before he crossed a line he couldn’t come back from.

Magnus’ hands still shook as he pulled them away from Alec’s face, feeling Alec going taught as a bowstring beneath his fingers. Magnus’ hands on his skin became a distant memory, and Alec’s mind tried desperately to hold on. Everything was slipping away, nothing seemed, real, and now that Magnus wasn’t anchoring him to this earth, Alec dug his nails into his own skin, grounding himself.

“Magnus,” Alec whispered, almost choking on the word. He loved saying Magnus’ name. The way his lips curved around every syllable like a poem. As he said it now, it felt more like a eulogy than a poem. The means to an end.

“I _can’t_ ,” Alec forced the words out, gritting his teeth together as he said them. The final, crushing blow.

Magnus was silent.

Alec opened his eyes. He could not meet Magnus’.

“I’m sorry,” Alec breathed, and he couldn’t take it anymore. The room was closing in on him, like all the oxygen was being sucked out and his lungs were about to burst. He ran to the door of the bookshop, leaving Magnus to bear the weight of his own grief alone. Alec didn’t not look back.

His legs carried him as far away as he could get before he collapsed into the side of a random New York building, his chest heaving. He slid down the wall, the brick biting into his hands. The harsh October wind stung his cheeks and he welcomed the pain.

Alec closed his eyes once more, realizing too late that it would be a mistake. Memories of Magnus flashed behind his lids and he heard Magnus’ voice ringing in his ears.

_I’m Magnus, and you are?_

_I need your strength._

_You’ve unlocked something in me._

_Emotions are more like symptoms._

_Come back, come back, please come back._

_You will blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right._

_I’m not okay because you’re not okay._

_I carry that omamori with me every day._

_And then I met you._

_You can’t get rid of me that easily._

_I can’t do anything without thinking of you._

_You’ll make it through this, one step at a time._

_Look what I have waiting for me._

_You’re so cute when you’re serious._

_I want to make the most of every moment._

_Everything I need is right here in front of me._

_I love you, Alexander._

It was all too much. Every private moment shared before the sun rose, every whisper spoken into warm bed sheets, every promise spoken into the night air. All of it was ripped away in the blink of an eye.

Alec sobbed once, and then again and again until the night sky was filled with the sounds of his grief.

_You’re broken, you’re broken, you’re broken._

**Author's Note:**

> MALEC NATION HOW WE FUCKIN FEEEELIINGGG ??? because my name is jared, im 19, and i wish i never fuckin learned how to write
> 
> if you would like to attack me on social media:  
> twitter: angelicruned  
> tumblr: lightwoody


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